Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
