I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
