fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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