whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
