then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
