life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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