So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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