I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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