wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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