new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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