I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
