You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
