Kiss
Puke
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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