Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
