omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
