I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
