i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
