if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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