and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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