when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
