i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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