I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
