So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
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