so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
