I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
