So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
not ubering you a puppy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
