I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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