Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
