Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
