cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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