One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
