babies were throwing up all over the place
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
