One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
