i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
