If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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