This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
