I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
