2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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