i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
