I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
that is very illegal...i love you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
