Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
