Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
