Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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