can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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