you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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