I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
