We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
