just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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