I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
