I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
