my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
