Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
